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Nation Expected To Thank Man Responsible For 2020

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Just when you thought 2020 couldn’t be any more of a shark shit fight, you now have to start shopping and see your family because Christmas is less than a month away. Although many of the world’s conservative white people are too busy denying the temperature, mask mandates and...

“I Don’t Need Alcohol To Have Fun” Says Mate Who Needs Cocaine To Have Fun

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT The world of journalism has gone into overdrive at the moment after the revelation that Old City District based product designer Cory Kibble (34) does not need alcohol to have fun. An office worker for over 10 years, it has been long known that Kibble doesn’t need alcohol to...

Bloke Who Starts Every Morning With A Dart And Can Of V Doesn’t Get This Bubble Tea Thing

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Luke Kelly (34) is a simple man. He likes stubby holders with funny things on them, group chats without women and having quite a lot of tomato sauce with whatever he’s eating.  A proud product of Betoota Heights, Kelly is just one of many residents concerned...

Local Girl’s Selfless Philanthropy On Hold After Bag Of Old Clothes Left In Boot For 6 Months

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Local woman, Ali Carey has decided she needs to try and be a better person and has committed to being more selfless - as long as it doesn’t put her out in any way or require too much effort. This thought process allegedly came to Ali one drunken...

Local Woman Quietly Notifies Friendship Group She’s Seeing Ex Again By Turning Off Location

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Local woman Ella Clarke is done with the bullshit. There’s only so much one person can take and Ella’s bullshit quota has been sucked dry. After nine months of on-again, off-again nonsense, Ella is finally doing what she should have done ages ago - letting Jack go.

Local Girl Revisits Her Own Instagram Story To See How She’s Perceived By Everyone Else

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Local woman Claire Mathieson likes to think she doesn’t care what people think of her - but that’s a flat out lie. Though the twenty-five year old exhibited a casual style of Instagram posting, made evident by the number of candid, out of focus shots of her friends at...

PM Warns Against ‘Trial By Media’ With Alleged War Crimes The ABC Got Raided For Looking Into

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Prime Minister Scotty From Marketing has today taken a break from his quarantine photoshoots to address all the stuff that's been in the news about those blokes that Kerry Stokes makes him sit next to at those big Christmas parties in Perth. This follows a week of inconvenient headlines...

You Scrub Up All Right’ Closest Thing To A Compliment Regional Dad Is Capable Of

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A local regional dad has today shown an uncharacteristically tender side to his personality after his youngest daughter Katie made an effort with her appearance for the first time. Phil Gordon had just finished spraying the yard when he’d ventured indoors for a bottle of VB and settle...

Local Woman Can’t Tell If She Likes Song Or It’s Just Been Drummed Into Her Brain

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Council administrator Eileen Coulter (26) doesn't know what to believe anymore after finding herself drumming her fingers to a song she was previously certain that she did not like. During her morning drive to work, Coulter made the puzzling decision to listen to commercial radio which usually gives listeners...

Boyfriend Relieved To Find Out Life’s Woes Are Caused By Balls Of Gas In Space

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Like many Australians with a respiratory system, recently redundant e-commerce specialist Garth Gould (32) of Betoota Heights is having an absolute bomb of a year. “I lost my job due to COVID, had to move back with mum & dad and can’t really afford the therapy right now,” stated...

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